Destruction Porn

How's it going friends and followers? Sorry if you were looking for a post last week and I let you down. I've got no energy when I get home in the afternoon, and what energy I do have goes to the fur baby.

It's taken me a while to define my interactions with this puppy, as he is my roommate's and I'm not actually his master. But I'm all he's got for most afternoon, as my roommate gets mostly close-shifts at his job, so I have some mastership over him. This is what I've come up with...This puppy is like a Pokémon that's been traded to me from another trainer, and I don't have the badges yet to control him. And...he has really crappy attacks. Puppy, use your Leer attack on that cat...immediately hides behind me. Puppy, there's a wasp in the casa, use your Fury Swipes...plays with it, it gets away. Puppy, theres a cute girl walking the neighborhood, use your Charm attack...hey, that kinda works!

That, and the weird crap that's been going on at work...I don't really wanna get into it now, I just want to escape, into a good movie or something. Hey, this feels like a good time for a transition.

So, I've seen a couple of movies recently. Godzilla is a little old to talk about right now, but Transformers 4 is still topical, so let's render a verdict on that.

Transformers: Age of Extinction

Oh...kay. So, several years after Optimus, Sentinel, and Megatron destroy Chicago in a battle over the transport of Cybertron to our planet, we find ourselves in a world where all Transformers are being hunted down and eliminated. The truces are over.
Any and all Autobots and Decepticons left have gone into hiding. I guess this was done so the could finally release Shia LaBeouf and Tyrese from their contracts with Michael Bay. Our protagonists are replaced with a garage inventor (Mark Wahlberg), his extremely hot and engineering smart daughter (Nicola Peltz), and her Aussie rally racing boyfriend (Jack Reynor). Marky Mark is supposed to be playing a died in the wool Texas boy, but he maintains his ever-present Boston accent. Wahlberg is like Sean Connery in that respect...he'll never do another accent (you remember Connery in "The Hunt for Red October"...yea, very convincing Russian submarine captain with that Scottish drawl).
I'm not going to reveal any plot points that aren't revealed in the marketing for the film, but let's talk about this movie poster that I posted above: Optimus Prime riding a huge dinosaur shaped Transformer. I thought as many of my friends did, that this was going to be an introduction of the "Beast Wars" bots back into the franchise. Nope, it's the Dinobots introduced in the original 1980's show. They were designed as primally strong but intellectually limited back in the show, but were simply described as legendary warriors in the movie. Anyways, once Optimus "tames" the Dinobots and mounts one (pictured above), I lost all sense of the semblance of plot. Actually, I felt like all plot was abandoned in the last film, "Dark of the Moon", and this is just a continuance of this...destruction porn.
Dark of the Moon made an attempt, which I felt wasn't present here. I feel like someone handed Michael Bay a script for Age of Extinction and he was just like, "Psh, nah, let's just blow 70% of the budget on explosions." The other 30%? It probably went to Mark Wahlberg, Kelsey Grammer, and Stanley Tucci. Thank God for Stanley Tucci by the way...he was the only redeeming factor of this movie.
Alright...I've said my piece, and expressed my disdain for the film.
Transformers: Age of Extinction - 3 out of 10

If I could briefly continue my hatathon on Michael Bay, I saw my first theatrical trailer for the new Ninja Turtles movie while waiting for Transformers to start...

The first thing that occurs to me while watching this, is that the voice acting feels so horribly wrong, especially given what I remember from the original live action movies and the 90's cartoon. Why does Mikey sound like...well, a cholo? And the leader of the 4 brothers, what should be the voice of reason and wisdom...Leonardo...actually being voiced by Johnny Knoxville. Oh Jesus Christ. And William Fichtner as the Shredder. I'm sorry, Fichtner is a great actor, but the Shredder needs to be Japanese and have a martial arts background. Combined with Megan Fox as April, and all the weird crap adorning the turtles themselves...and how about the general monstrous look of the turtles?
[Sigh] I won't lie, I shed a few tears seeing this. I feel like it's destroying my childhood memory of the turtles.
Never forget...

Bay has his heart set on destroying my sense of nostalgia. Our only hope then may lie in the future, and this has been a pretty good summer so far for the box office. Here are the next 3 films I'm looking forward to seeing soon.

Earth to Echo - I know that A) It's only rated PG and most likely geared towards a much younger crowd...and more importantly, B) It is a Relativity Media production, and they haven't had a box office hit since...ever. Seriously, as defined by any movie that earns $100 million or more at the box office, they've never had one, never.
Still, it looks interesting. Thinking I might go and check it out this weekend.

Lucy - The smallest synopsis you could give it is...Scarlett Johansson kicks a lot of ass. Sold. The director is really good at doing the the femme fatale style too, so you know you'll be wanting it up until the second she rips your eyes out (I don't know if that actually happens, so don't take my word on it). Morgan Freeman doesn't hurt the chances of this movie destroying the box office. I'm all in.

Guardians of the Galaxy - Yea, I didn't think I'd want to see this one. I might have even wrote in my last blog how much it's going to suck. I'm coming around though, even for Rocket Raccoon. It looks like there are a lot of good personalities coming together here, including Rocket Raccoon (Bradley Cooper)...kind of seems like Face (A-Team), just really small and furry and with a constant bad attitude. Zoë Saldana as Gamora, what an awesome choice. Marvel is just on top of it's game right now, especially with the success of Cap'n 'Murica 2. 

Alright kids, I'm gonna call it quits. I'll try and get back to you next week, but we'll see what kind of time I get. Till then amigos.

Keep your heads up, your minds sharp, and your hearts open.